Eternal Henka
by Lumi75
Summary: Hisoka's relationships with Kuroro and Illumi.
1. Chapter 1: Henka

Summary: Hisoka needs help to deal with Kuroro. He thinks about Illumi.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Togashi and Shueisha.

XXX

_Sky Tower, Hisoka's Room_

"Machi? How d'you feel about spending the night-" Before I could finish my sentence, the lovely Spider had disappeared behind the door.

With a slam.

"Heeyyy…will I see you again?" I whined. Machi liked to act cold, brushing me off like a piece of lint stuck to her cute ninja outfit, but every time I call for help, she shows up. She's a passionate, loyal woman. And that's the string I'll pull when I need to draw her to me.

Gon and Killua. We share "red strings", too. But more than that, we share the instinct to…play the game. I can just picture the two friends huddled in front of the TV, hitting the pause and rewind on my match with Kastro, terrified, sickened but also…_thrilled._ And that's where I want them, irresistibly _drawn_ to…play with me.

He-he-he.

I stripped off all my clothes and hopped into the shower.

The water splashed, blood and grit draining away like a hollow tune. There's still one guy who has never played into my hands. His memory is so clear that I can almost touch him: the slicked-back hair. The penetrating stare. The soft thud of the _nen_ book as it materializes in his hand, pages fluttering weightlessly.

Where are you now, Kuroro? I wonder.

Probably sitting in a quiet room, delicate fingers curled on his jaw. His gaze is as steady as desert dunes, makes me stare. And how will he look when he finds out I fooled him into thinking I joined the Spiders? He better not give me those puppy-dog eyes, it might get my engine started.

Rest well, _Dancho _until I…destroy you.

I sighed, then turned the hot water to the maximum. That was the trouble. No matter how badly I wanted to fight Kuroro, he's never alone. And I'm just a man. Just a man with limited resources.

As if to rub my nose into it, I came down from my adrenaline high. Hard. My muscles weighed a ton, tense numbness gripped me except for the stinging pain in my arms. I felt like food for worms, with hunger headache to boot. I continued to stand under the water for another moment, then stepped out.

I was thinking about Illumi. I wished he was here.

XXX

"_Need a partner? I can help you." _

Those were Illumi's first words to me. The socially-inept assassin always put me in such awkward positions. I glared hard at him, hated to reveal a need, wanted to shoot him a spades that said…_fuck off._

But instead I nodded miserably.

I was immobilized by some kind of manipulation _nen_ and I had no friggen idea how that happened. It wasn't fair. I was on Hunter Island, all worked-up from bloodlust. Tried to hold back the best I could, but temptations just kept throwing themselves at me left, right and center. I needed focus…yes, there he was, a mesmerizing silver-haired boy.

"That's my little brother, so hands off."

What? The cute, cat-like kid was the brother of this demented pinball machine?

"I'm a killer too, so I know. I know how it is. How your bloodlust can make you careless." I wasn't happy at his insulting toneless voice, dead-looking eyes and offensive rattle of his jaw.

"So what do you say to a little business arrangement? Once in the Hunter Exam, you can give unlimited free rein to your bloodlust. Play tag all you want, all day long, and I'll be your back-up. I won't let you get ambushed…like now." He let that threat hover.

"All you have to do is help me back. To be specific: stay away from Killua. Simple isn't it? You help me, I help you back. Can't get any fairer than that, can I?"

Well, I don't think I had much of an option. I couldn't move, so whatever the hideous android wanted to do, he probably could. He came closer to me, raised his eyebrows. "Your eyes say you accept my offer. But I can't let you go until we take care of_ that_, now can we? Y'know, in self-defense."

Something about his eyes started to pull me in, as if peeling open my heart, layer by layer.

Next thing I knew, I was slumped over a café table in town. The waiter was shaking me awake. "Sir? Are you alright?"

Was I alright? I felt damn good! My mind was clear of bloodlust. My body was warm and pleasantly tingling. Delighted, I stood up and looked around. No sign of the weird manipulation user. No memory of how I got here, either.

"Are you looking for your friend? The er…long-haired gentleman?" the waiter offered helpfully. "He left 10 minutes ago. Why not go back to your room if you feel tired?"

"M-my _room_?"

"Yeah, I remember you. You and your friend got a room upstairs," he indicated the building adjacent to the café. The charming green signboard above the wooden door read: H O T E L. Leer in neon. "Do you want me to show you to your room?"

I shuddered, weakly said, "Nnn-no…where's the washroom. I feel s-sick."

The green-haired bastard, what the hell did he do? Did he just toy with my body? Bad move, you bastard. Real fecking bad. I peeled off my top and looked into the mirror. Nothing. No marks, no scratches…well wait a minute. Small puncture wounds traveled up my circulatory system. Acupuncture, eh? This was aggravating, but to kill him for it might be a little…embarrassing, and did I mention I didn't have any bloodlust left?

So I plunged ahead into the late afternoon sunlight pouring like honey along my shady path, brushed past a pair of blood-moths going at it like demented things, and headed for the examination center, resolved to get the pinhead out of my mind. Out of the whole island of 50,000 people – why? Anyone else who met him would be repulsed. But not me. I was attracted to his…scent.

My mood was foul as the underground air as I got out of the elevator. I spotted the silver-haired kid, Killua, weaving through the crowd, blissfully unaware of my tragedy. My cell buzzed. Under the foreign number, there was just one word: _Gitaraku._ A hand waved from the back of the room. His pool-like eyes stared at me.

"_Hey partner"_ he said.

I was enraged, but this is life among predators. Show vulnerability and you're dead. So I put up my most flippant pose, hands on hips, card on lips. "Whaddup, _Gitaraku_?"

"And your name is…" Gitaraku's neutral tone floated out of the gloom, mockingly innocent. I felt the desire to smash him all over again, so I grabbed his cheek.

Surprisingly, he let me do it, small quiet smile revealing nothing behind. No other freaking expression on his poker face, as if to say: _You'll never reach me. Just try it. _I was overwhelmed by an emotion more intense than bloodlust. If only I could reach out, break through to him. What the heck was I thinking?

I meant to make my voice drip with venom, sound mean, sarcastic. But instead it came out all wrong, almost tender. "Why we love you, partner." Odd looks gravitated towards us from as far as Kojiro Island.

This was bad. My face felt so hot.

Oh boy, time for me to establish the status with these goons. As for Gitaraku, I'll pin him down for this…later.

**_To be continued..._**

XXX

A/N: I was inspired to change my style after reading straycat's Hiso/Illu fics.

Let me know what you think, thanks!

Next part coming very soon.


	2. Chapter 1: Henka continued

_Chapter 1: Henka ( continued )_

Even if I wanted to hurt him, I couldn't. Illumi was already dead. Here remains only his shadow, an exquisite corpse. The real Illumi is far away, in a world for him alone.

No one else can enter.

But not for long.

At first, I thought, no such thing as a normal Hunter, so what did I care if Illumi was an emotionless freak? But the more we hung out, the more I caught myself staring, wondering what feelings he held inside.

Every time we met, I couldn't help running my mouth off, trying to read every curl, crease and wrinkle that would skate across his face like wind blowing across a sheltered lake. But I asked no questions, and neither did he. I knew nothing about his past, his life or even his real name. But in exchange, my impression of him as a living, breathing, serious, funny, fragile, resilient, exasperating, anti-social yet polished person was even stronger.

I would mention Killua and watch two lines appear under his eyes as he squinted. He loves his brother so much he could crush him. ( So why can't he relate to my craze to crunch Gon?) When I commented on Netero's power, I saw him tremble, but his eyes were determined. He is afraid of stronger opponents, yes, but he'll stand and fight like a dutiful soldier. That's the spirit, _aniki._ Wouldn't it be nice if you looked at me like that sometime? The other look is cute too: big saucer-like eyes narrowing up at the corner at unpredictable moments.

Illumi seemed to like me too. Or at least he tended to bug me whenever he had free time, like call me up on the phone or ask to play cards. Not very fair of him to ignore me if its the other way around but, for good or ill, that was our connection. Cards, Killua and phone calls.

In the end though, who am I kidding? Every emotion _he _had or _I _had, got swallowed up by those dark eyes that absorbed all light. Sometimes, I felt so alone I never wanted to see those eyes again. I wanted to cut him off.

But before I could do that, Illumi cut me off first. Right after the Hunter Exam.

XXX

I called him on his cell…a bored voice drawled, "York Shin Pizza. 2-for-1 special."

"Illumi…?"

"Salami! And the other one? Hawaiian?

_No…_

Next, I dialed the Zaoldyeck's business number…a bored, toneless voice picked up immediately, said, "Zaoldyeck Head Office."

"This is Hisoka, can I speak with Illumi?"

"Hisoka…Hisoka…" I heard the rapid tap of the keyboard. "Hisoka, are you a first time client?"

"I might be. If I could kindly have a word with Illumi about that..."

"First, we need to send you our credit application."

"I don't want that, I'll pay cash."

"Sorry, company policy. We need you to fill up some forms about you and your business. You can go online to Zaoldyeck-dot-com, your privacy is guaranteed."

"Right." And if they ever decide to sell their company, my personal details would be splashed all across the net. Hell no, my mystique was my life.

_No way..._

I went down to Killua and Gon's room and stood outside, arms folded defensively across my chest.

What should I do? Ask Killua straight out for his older brother's number? Or would that seem a little…odd? What if he starts telling his friends or worse, his parents that I was looking for Illumi. Might that make me look a little…needy? Maybe I should just pickpocket his cell instead, bypass all the unnecessary questions? Or would that be plain…obsessive?

_Nah, forget it!_

I stewed for days.

Then I gave in. Official channels it is. That's probably what he wants, for me to contact him either as a client or not at all. What was I expecting, the guy already said he had no friends. Besides, I really needed Illumi's help for York Shin in September, and one day, he might also need my help.

I contacted my fund manager to help me fill up the pain-in-the-ass formalities the Zaoldyecks demanded. Not using my real name, of course, but my little…entity. Did I mention I have a fake company called "Fun Party Products, Inc."?

The next day, Illumi called. Private number, shunted through some call center, untraceable. Still holding me at arms length, eh? C'mon, don't be shy...

"Hisoka? Is that you?" The same neutral, innocent voice.

"Whaddup Illumi. It was nice doing business with you, so much so I thought of something else we could do together."

"Yeah." He sounded pleased. "You're at Sky Tower, right? How is Killua? Tell him I said _hi_?"

"Your brother's very cute, but I'd rather not. How did you know I'm here, are you stalking me?" I asked hopefully.

"Noooo… you just told me. But I didn't even have to guess, you're featured on just about every MMA magazine this summer. Lottts of buzz around your upcoming fights."

"_Ne_, Illumi...but I don't even give interviews..." Being a celebrity is so… tiresome, I thought, looking into the hall mirror and fussing with my gelled hair. All those flashbulbs! All those adoring fans! All those-

"But your opponents do. A lot." His voice took on an edge, "So what's this business proposal you have? Don't disappoint me, or I might not do it."

"How about something completely evil and exciting, does that turn you on?"

"Maybe…how big is it?"

"…"

"The job, Hisoka, how big is the job? How many targets."

"No, no kills. Just a gang of S-class criminals. I want one of them separated."

"No kills…? But the price is still the same. One billion jennies and up. We don't do anything for less."

"Cheap."

Illumi laughed. "That's why I said the job better be difficult. Shall we meet?"

"How about now?"

"Why not? I know a nice secure location. Behind Kukuru Mountain, in 10 minutes."

"Padokia's at least 10 hours away by blimp."

"That was a joke. Don't ever come see me. I'll find _you_."

"Why? Afraid I might be mistaken for a friend?" I pressed on.

" …" He stayed silent for long moments, and I watched the April breeze ruffle the pale inner curtains. I imagined the transparent walls going up one by one behind his dark eyes. We always chatted on the phone, the distance kept us safe. Safely apart. When he finally replied, his voice was gentle, the words cruel.

"Hisoka, I'm not a good man. I'm a killer. How would you feel if I killed you?"

I raised an eyebrow. This wasn't the first time I had to deal with creepy death threats. Comes with the territory. But this time it was different. Death never sounded more seductive. I was dragged by his voice deep into a silent cavern, sensed dark tranquility. This must be the place Illumi lived, where no one can touch. It might have been the angle of the light, but for a moment I thought my eyes looked pitch black.

I'm not afraid of the dark, but I can think of better things than dwell in shadow. Like reach out a hand and pull him into the light. After all, he can't change by himself- he needs a friend.

"Anytime, Illumi…"

A low chuckle. "In that case, maybe we _are_ friends…freak."

"_You're_ the freak." I sigh. If this is what passes for "friendship"…

We set a date for a week later, Sky Tower. He never showed up. I found out he was recovering from injuries, said he'll drop by in 2-3 weeks. I had a bad feeling. For the first time, I wondered how I would feel if he died on me.

Would I turn out like him, walking about with no expression on my face?

Then who will be there to pull me from where I've fallen?

XXX

Dripping wet, I left glowing footprints all the way to the window. I stood there for a while, toweling my hair, kept the room dark to better admire the pulsing city lights.

Sky Tower in summertime was fun. Not the kind of demonic York Shin fun, but simple pleasures: alleyways, rooftops, canals, backyards and restaurants, the kind you share with friends. Illumi, Illumi, Illumi. We should meet any day now.

I checked myself out in the mirror, turning. Something obnoxious caught my eye. An offensively large Spider tattoo on my back. Ripping off the cloth with a dramatic gesture, I flung it in the air and watched the symbol fizzle pathetically in a burst of _nen._

_Take that, Kuroro._

"Very impressive," said a toneless voice from behind me, "a magician who performs even when he's alone."

This was bad, the intruder saw my fake tattoo…

_**To be continued in next chapter: Hentai **_

XXX

A/N: Sorry if the prompt at the end is cheesy, lol. I guess we all know who the "intruder" is? Next update shouldn't be too far away but not so soon either. Hisoka and Illumi are now in the same room but lots of stuff still keep them apart...

Thanks for sticking with the story, Orange-Maple. :D

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think about it? I'm not sure if Hisoka's interest in Illumi is really coming across… If some parts are dull, don't hesitate to tell me where, so at least I know.


	3. Chapter 2: Hentai part 1

Summary: Getting out of Kukuru Mountain is harder than getting in. Silva vs Illumi

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Togashi and Shueisha.

Warning: shounen-ai

-

-

_Illumi's Room, Kukuru Mountain, 2 days before he meets Hisoka_

-

_Dupp, dupp, dupp!_

I awoke to the thud of pins striking a wooden box. I was sitting bolt upright, icy fingers tensed to release the next 6 pins at the shadowy stalker.

My closet.

I collapsed back, breathing heavily. A nightmare. Three weeks since my rescue from NGL and I still had nightmares of child soldiers with soulless eyes. As soulless as my own mask. I can't go on like this, but what should I do? Frustrated, I blasted another wave of needles into the closet, wishing it was me. I hated myself. Maybe death might make a welcome change.

_Shhhhhhhh…This is just the codeine talking. _I got off the bed and swung a woolen cardigan over my sweat-soaked pajamas, shivering like a junkie. There could be a 30 degree summer heatwave outside Kukuru Mountain and my room would still be as cold as hell. And as dark.

I stumbled towards my desk and grabbed the clock. The hands read three o'clock, Wednesday afternoon. My client Hisoka's fight at Sky Tower would be taking place in two days. So if I wanted to catch him this week, then I needed to be departing by airship this time tomorrow. How likely was that? The 17 broken bones in my body told me a resounding _"Noooo."_

I gripped my cell, almost ready to text my client to postpone our appointment again. But I hesitated. No, I'd already postponed once, 3 weeks ago. How much longer can _I_ wait?

I won't deny it, least of all to myself, that I am burning for Hisoka. Hisoka, a man closer to me than my own brother, and I know what I'm talking about. Ironically, when I first met him, he was stalking Killua. He trembled with bloodlust, yet was able to hold back with the patience and cunning of a gifted predator. I smirked, stalked him for hours, until a sliver of chance appeared and my pins took over. He was captured, but he didn't look upset. In fact he looked…interested. He was even…happy. Well so was I. I was like… intoxicated, by his scent. And there was no way I could stop myself. Out of the 50,000 people on the island, there was only one man I was attracted to.

_I wanted to tell him, "Hey, you. I understand you. Maybe no one else gets it, but I do."_

I took him to a hotel. That was a mistake. What was I thinking? Even as we walked together, saying nothing, there was a magnetic force between us. My body was burning. When I took off my mask, he stared at me with eyes so piercing I was almost afraid. I thought it'll be over when I drained his _shouko_ of energy using my pins, but I was wrong, far from it. We went at it like demented blood-moths for the next three hours.

Of course, he didn't remember anything. That was the work of my last pin.

_But I did._

When he contacted me again through the head office, I couldn't believe my ears. I never thought would seek me out, why should he? I warned him, I might kill him…and what did he say?

_Anytime…_

What's this all about? I don't know, all I know is, I want to see him again. I want to see again him in flesh and blood instead of these…dreams. Going on like this is a sick and obsessive business.

_My injuries needed nen management. Now. _

I called Milluki to my room, hoping he would agree to help me. While waiting, I picked up a soft pencil and sketched to release tension. A girl appeared. Her eyes were large and black, anxiously seeking approval. A face so fragile that a little teasing would sadden her. Lips parted as if to call a name… _Kalluto? Or something inside me?_

Milluki's characteristic wheeze announced his arrival, giving me time to flip the sketchbook nervously. On second thought, I tore out the page and shoved it into my pocket. I'll go check on Kalluto and give this to him later. I climbed back into bed and Milluki got into my chair, causing it to sag dangerously.

"Hey. Can you do me a favor?" I asked in a small voice.

"What is it?" He demanded, not looking at me, taking out a packet of chips and busting it open.

"I need healing _nen_." Milluki was about to unload his cargo into his mouth when it paused.

"I'll pay you two thousand jennies. I need to get out of here by tomorrow, that's why."

Milluki's face darkened even more.

"Okay…three thousand. Anything you want. Just help me, Milluki."

He finally said, in a bitter tone, "Healing _nen_? That's not a concept I'm familiar with."

We Zaoldyecks licked our wounds in private. After beating Milluki up, I would simply toss him a roll of dressing gauze and some ointment. If he was too weak or lazy to give himself medical attention, then he deserved to rot. But here I was, begging him to heal me. He must be upset.

"It's just _Ren._ Place your hands on me and the _nen_ will do the rest. Please?" I managed.

Milluki let out a disgusted wheeze. "Okay, I can guess _why_ you're doing this, so yeah, I'll see what I can do." He dusted his greasy shakes off his hands, oblivious to the way they fell all over my sheets and floor. He gave a frown of concentration. After a while, sweat dripped down his face and a little glow appeared across my knees.

"It's working!" Milluki was delighted. "Your bruises are shrinking!"

His hands felt so hot. I was dizzy with an indescribable feeling. "Thanks, bro. I mean it."

"Don't thank me - paayyyy me. And kick Killua's ass for me."

"What?"

"You're going to see Killua again, aren't you?"

I passed out. When I woke 2 hours later and Milluki was gone. I wasn't sure how healed I was. Maybe 50-60 percent. But that's not nearly enough. I might need more _nen_ from Father.

Something hard and crinkly poked my ribs. Hey, a DVD wrapped up like a present. From Milluki? How rare was that? As much as I wanted to rip it open, it was already 6pm and I had to hurry. I headed for Father's room.

Father was lounging on a mountain of saffron cushions, drinking from a goblet shaped like a twisted claw. He looked tan and imposing. Luxurious furs cluttered the floor and I stumbled, banging into the corner of the coffee table and some figs rolled onto the ground. A bizarre animal sniffed at the fruit and wolfed it down.

"No, Kikkei!" Father commanded. The animal jolted up with a whelp and flattened himself on the ground, whining. "Bad puppy."

"Illumi! How are your injuries? Bones set yet?" Father asked in his deep formal baritone, gesturing for me to take a seat.

"Pretty much," I said, lowering myself painfully into three-pronged chair. "But I need some reinforcement _nen._ Do you think you can help me?"

"At last you've come to your senses. I've wanted to help you since the start, but you refused. So what happened?"

"I'm going back to work. On Friday."

"That's too soon. We'll take care of all the jobs until mid-June. You just stay here and look after your brothers until you recover."

"I missed an appointment for May 1st. So I texted my client and postponed it to this week."

Father frowned. "Why didn't you tell me? It wasn't on the system."

"It's not? I'm sorry, I forgot about it. But I didn't fix a time with him, just mentioned it would be around his week, depending on my condition."

"That's not like you, Illumi. You sound almost…casual? Who_ is_ this client?"

"Um, a company called Fun Party Products, from Sky Tower City."

Father scoffed. "Who's that?"

"Um, a magician called Hisoka. I met him during the Hunter Exam."

"Hisoka! You're still with him?"

"W-what do you mean?"

"Are you alright? You look pale. Want something to drink?" I shook my head, not liking where the conversation was heading. "So, tell me more about this… Hisoka."

I crossed my arms and shrugged, studying my reflection on the coffee table, feeling vaguely guilty. Why should I be? "Not much to say, really. He's a powerful _Henka_ _nen _user. He's one of those guys attracted to danger, he goes around seeking powerful _nen_-users to fight."

"I heard you partnered up with him for the exam?"

"Yeah, just a deal to ensure he keeps his hands off Killua."

"Why didn't you just kill him…you could, couldn't you?"

"Not in direct combat. But in any other situation, yeah."

Father raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

Physically, I was weaker than a lot of fighters, although I certainly made it up in other ways. "Size, strength, speed. I use projectiles and so does he, so that cancels out. But he's full of openings. If I stalk him long enough, then I'll have a fair chance."

I didn't like the way Father's eyes were gleaming, "I think you underestimate yourself, son. Maybe you ought to do that," he commanded. "As a test."

Me kill Hisoka? _Even before we had a chance to be friends? _"No, I can't kill my client, it's my duty to protect him."

"Client, eh? So do it afterwards, then. I'll take out a hit on him, what do you think?"

"No. Father, that would be…wasteful." My mind raced for an excuse. "I know you're loaded, but_ I_ could do with a few more high-end customers, haha", I added lamely.

"Why are you protecting him, Illumi, is he your _FRIEND_?"

"What's that?!" I nearly blanked out from the shock.

"Well, if I find out you have a friend, I'll kill you."

"…"

"No, I meant to say, I'll torture you first. "

"…"

"Then _disown_…you."

"Father," I finally said, voice cold and toneless as midnight frost. "It's one thing to talk like this to Killua, but to me? Is this really necessary? Something like this was bound to happen. A client I got along with. But he's just a client, no more, no less. What's so wrong?" I locked my gaze on him, dark and expressionless like a good little Zaoldyeck.

Father's _nen_ flared– but I won't submit, not if it's Hisoka's life on the line, _never._ I'll go first. Might as well. If I could betray a friend, then its no stopping how low I'll slide.

"My God, don't you ever think about family, about tradition? You'll just give it up in a second for…_Hisoka_!" He pointed a finger accusingly at me, making Hisoka sound like a swear word. "Now I know there's definitely something going on. You're a damned irresponsible man!"

"And what's this?" I asked coolly, casually flipping out my hair.

Father watched my gesture with a disapproving glint. He shook his head. "I don't blame you." He pressed on. "It's your environment. This is what young people do, right? You hang out, play a few card games, go drinking together and _bam!_" he smashed his fist into his palm. "You're my best friend forever. The next day, you argue over something stupid and break up. That's it, game over."

"That's not true." I lowered my eyes, flushing at Father's mockery. "I'm not like that."

He started pacing about, voice reverberating through the cavern. "So now you're upset, and you go bitch and whine with a new group of people. Then you go home, eat dinner, sleep and wake up and everything is forgotten. A couple of days later, maybe you'll see him again, share another couple of drinks, play a few cards and hey – you're my best friend all over again!" He stretched his arms wide open.

His voice dropped, sounding concerned. "How can you depend on something as changeable as…_that_? You're letting your family down, to depend on something as fickle as… _that_?"

"I won't change…like that." I stated softly.

"Maybe _you_ won't…but how about your "_friend"?_ This…Hisoka." Father stared straight at me.

Maybe he expected me to be riled up, but instead, I gazed into the gloomy depths of the ceiling with ice-cold calm. The darkness looked fuzzy, like it was raining spiders. A minute passed.

"I don't know." I said.

"…"

_But I believe, and I hope…_

We faced off in grim silence. I was half-afraid Father would fight with me then and there, so I tried not to be so stubborn.

"Hey, hey, don't be upset Father. I'm sorry! Why are we fighting over this? Hisoka's just a stupid client. Who cares?"

But he was after my heart, he always was. He gripped my shoulders in his strong calloused hands, looked at me earnestly.

"Son, I know you're keeping things from me, but you're my flesh and blood. You're a good boy, I know. How will we maintain our edge if we don't have you around? Every day dodos come into the market and claim that they're professionals. But do you know why we're better than 99 percent of those dodos out there? Because we're systematic. We don't rely on emotion, we rely on our system."

"Yes, Father." I said. "You're right."

"I know a guy, another assassin. He's not around anymore. Why?" Father drew a line from his forehead to his chin. "Never knew what hit him. His _"friend"_ sold him, because someone held his girlfriend hostage."

"….That's harsh." _Could well happen to me._ My chest tightened. _If it does?_

"Damn right. And how about those two assassins who were best _friends_? When they got captured and ordered to fight until one of them was dead? The world is full of weird people who like nothing better than that. Now here's the rub…" Father stroked my hair for emphasis. I closed my eyes and heard him hiss in my ear. "Even if you're the _friend _who survives, how can you look anyone in the eye again?"

"I see your point,_ friend._" I sighed. My brain hurt. Let it to fate. I'll think about it when it happens.

"…"

Father chuckled. "So son…are you going to have a FRIEND?"

"Yeah, I get it."

"Not so fast, son, you haven't answered me." Father nailed me with his cat-like eyes.

_I don't want to lie to Father – better change the subject,_ "Hey, so what's with Zeno and Netero, are they friends?"

"Those two twisted geezers?" Father shuddered. He turned and paced the room, agitated. I edged closer and closer to the door…

"No love lost! They've known each other for centuries. They're not friends, it's just that everyone from their time is dead! HAHAHA"

But before I could slip out, the door opened and Mother waltzed in, followed by Kalluto, one hand attached to her skirt.

"ILLUMMIII!!" she shrieked, embracing me. I was enveloped by the perfume of a thousand Japanese flowers. "It's soooo nice to see you alive. How is your skin, darling. Oh…it's so bruised and scabbed…let me help you…" Without asking any questions, she started to stroke my cheek, sending me _nen._ Her eyes were steel, but her fingers were scalding hot.

That indescribable rush. Oh, Mother. "Thank you. I didn't mean to make you worry."

"Illumi…how old are you?" Mother asked.

"24"

"Silva…how old were you when we got married?"

"21" Silva said.

"Illumi…what did you think of the girls I introduced you to?

"What? I haven't looked at the list yet. They're the girls I met at the ball right?" Mother was always urging me to pick a girl from the elite circles to be my bride.

"Did you see anyone you liked?"

"No." I said. "Hey Kalluto? I have something for you." I pulled out the sketch of the girl who looked like Kalluto.

"For me, _Aniki?"_

"Yeah. Her face reminded me of you. " I patted his head, kneeling down in front of him. "I bet you never tried sending _nen_ in the reverse? For healing. Wanna try?"

"Thank you so much, _aniki_…this looks just like me. How do I do healing _nen_?"

"Well, first, there's trust." While I was teaching Kalluto, I noticed Father shaking his head as he spoke to Mother. Mother turned to me, said, " Illumi. Father said you're not being responsible with your clients…" She wandered over to Kalluto and picked up my sketch. "Did you draw this?" She asked, shocked.

"Yeah," I shrugged.

"Illumi, I've never seen you draw anything like this, this is...lovely! What happened?"

"Nothing, it just came out."

"Have you met someone?" she asked, exchanging a worried look with Father. "Tell me! You have to tell me Illumi, I've spent so much time socializing with high society just to find you a suitable wife. Do you know how much work I've invested into your future!! So tell me now, do you have a girlfriend?!"

"No." I was annoyed, didn't bother to look at her.

"Well, and you are NOT ALLOWED to have a Girlfriend! You have to keep your reputation absolutely CLEAN!" her voice went very shrill, "So if I find out you have a girlfriend...or worse, a BOYFRIEND...!!"

I gulped.

"I'll kill you."

"..."

"No, I meant I'll torture you.'

"..."

_"Then disown me?"_ "Then disown you." We said at the same time.

Mother stamped her feet hysterically. "What has happened to you! And you used to be what a good boy! SILVA!" She pointed a finger accusingly at Father. "First Killua, now Illumi! You're really smart aren't you. You tell me your mind games will work, well...PROVE IT." Mother moved closer to me, she fluttered her frilly steel fan while taking deep breaths, trying to calm down. I stood up and faced her, she tapped her fan on my chest, " You...are an ASSASSIN. Not just any assassin, but a Zaoldyeck. And between a Zaoldyeck and an ordinary, despicable killer there is only a fine line." She cut the fan downwards in a line.

"Between US and them, we have only one difference. So honor it."

"Your grandparents worked so hard for a 100 years to build up our reputation. I will NOT tolerate you tarnishing our reputation in a day! You are NOT ALLOWED to see anybody without my permission. Anyone you see, without me, SHE WILL PAY. AND YOU! You will pay even more." She grabbed my neck and curled her fingers slowly, possessively. I shivered, but did not speak. " You belong to US, Illumi. No one loves you any more than me. Your mother loves you, but no one will love an assassin. NO ONE LOVES US."

Milluki entered the room, startling Mother to detach from me. He looked completely disheveled as if he just came from a hurricane in his room. He was wearing a sweat-soaked terry-cloth around his head and wheezed anxiously."Father… here is the information you wanted, but it wasn't easy getting it." He passed a silver box to Father.Father weighed it in his hand and smirked.

"Hey Kikyou, why don't you give Illumi a break? We should trust our son."

"..." The room was completely silent while Father and Mother exchange and unspoken agreement. I glanced at Milluki and his narrow eyes were glinting. When Father tries to be nice, we all know he has a plan up his sleeve. Only Kalluto looked at Father with open, trusting eyes. I felt like shaking him. Yet there I was just telling him about "trust."

Father gave a spine-chilling laugh. "I'm an honest man. I like to say it straight-up. Maybe you didn't choose your friend. Maybe he chose you. Maybe nobody chose anything and you don't have a friend, just like you say. Like I just said, you're my son, I trust you. But you don't have to believe everything I say."

Father handed me the steel box. "Do this project, and decide for yourself if what I say is true."

I slipped the steel box into my pajamas. He explained the mission, sounding a little more intense than usual. I was just being a messenger, but there was more danger that Father did not tell me. His spine-chilling laugh lingered in my bones.

The mission was set for Friday evening at Sky Tower City. Same as my meeting with my client. And I was to check up on Killua at the same time.

Later, after I packed my bags, I drew a steaming hot bath. I sank myself into the water for 10 minutes, until all my scabs were soaked. Then I took a nylon brush and started scraping off the scabs. They soughed off, leaving dark bruises behind.

_The snake has shed his skin._

-

-

_**To be continued in Hentai, part 2… Hisoka's room.**_

XXX

A/N: Hentai part 2 coming up in a week or so. Originally, Hisoka was supposed to explain the connection between "**Hen**ka" and "**Hen**tai" in this chapter but somehow I started writing in illumi's POV, so that didn't happen.

Thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate it!! I know what we are all after, I'm a YAOI fangirl after all. Maybe it won't be in this fic, so I'm gonna write another hardcore hiso/illu YAOI to compensate. :PP

P.S.: Don't hesitate to tell me which parts are boring, so at least I know where to hit "delete" :XX


	4. Hisoka's Backstory: Hardcore Hunter

**Hisoka Prologue: Hardcore Hunter**

Summary: The day Hisoka learnt he was psychotic. Hisoka + Kuroro

Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Togashi and Shueisha

_6 years ago_

21 years old Hisoka sat in a chair in the visiting room of the jail, waiting for the prisoner to start talking. As a distraction, he flicked a pile of cards from hand to hand so quickly and repeatedly that it looked like he was flipping through a book. He noticed his fingers were shaking. Laughing to himself, he folded the deck and leveled it with a crisp knock on the table.

He looked across the desk at the corporate lawyer arrested for stealing 10 billion jennies from his client's accounts. His haggard face was sunken into one hand while the other fist gripped a cigarette that had burnt down and was about scorch his fingers.

"Godfather… we only have 10 minutes left." He reminded the broken man respectfully. After all, even if he was no longer his employer, he was still his godfather and _nen-_mentor. The manipulation-user had discovered young Hisoka's talent for gambling, took him out of the slums and taught him the lucrative skill of chart-reading and trigger pulling – applied to his stolen wealth. "Who did this to you?"

"Gone…Gone in an instant…my fame…my fortune." The cracking voice finally responded "I'm selling the firm, furniture and all. I've already spoken to my partner. He'll set you up with a new resume, fake degrees and everything. They'll never know your past. You never worked for me." He finally looked up, bloodshot eyes as bleary as ice-cubes. "You're smart. You'd go far. Thanks for visiting me tonight."

"Hey…" Hisoka was speechless for a moment, not expecting the hard-driving businessman to have considered his future. "But I still want to know who did this!"

"Forget it…he's sanctioned by the Mafia. No cops will touch him."

"Godfather – can you tell me exactly what happened?!"

"I'm ruined. I'm the fall guy! Why do you want to know so much? For your own good, just stay out of this."

"Just tell me – how…Look," he said, changing his tack. "I'm worried…"he lied. "What if he comes after me too? How does he look like?"

"No… won't come after you because he's after strong _ne_- strong "natural" abilities." The lawyers eyes flashed meaningfully, using their code word for "nen" because of the cop in the cell. "I- I've lost my "natural" skills. How? I have no clue, when I woke up, I was _au naturel_ …but I knew something was wrong the moment I shook his hand. I had a bad feeling, but his face was so sincere and innocent I was duped. _The handshake_ – it started there. If only I —_Oh God!!"_ he groaned.

Hisoka's eyes widened in amazement. It all stemmed from his loss of his _nen_ ability! Could such a thing even be stolen? How awesome was that?! Hisoka was deeply hooked, even excited by the story.

"Cool… that's so cool!" he started murmuring.

It didn't matter that that thief had just made him lose his job, freeze half his life savings and killed the career of his godfather. The magical ability of _nen_ thievery was just so…_cool!!_ While he was wasting time stuck in an office, there were _nen-_users like that out hunting whatever they pleased. Why hadn't he considered a life like that before? All he had ever considered in a past life was accumulating more and more money to buy a house and car, get married and settle down…How could he have been so _stupid_…_?_

_Thank you for the reminder,_ Hisoka thought, rolling his eyes heavenwards. He felt his nose run and sobs wrack his body.

His godfather, mistaking his emotion for grief, was so touched that he started bawling. "No, Hisoka! You don't have to cry for me! _Uwahhhh—!"_

The guard, flabbergasted by the horrible sight of two grown men crying, quickly intervened. "Sir – your time is up," he said gruffly, pulling the prisoner from his seat.

Hisoka snatched his ex-employer's elbow and winked: "Time to switch places. When you get out, you'll read the charts for me. I'm going hunting."

XXX

This was the end of his meteoric rise in the corporate world. Not because he lacked the credentials to get another high paying job as a trader, but because he was too excited by the turn of events.

"Cool…so cool…" That was all Hisoka could think of for the next few weeks as he plotted to capture the _nen_ thief. He spent a lot of time and money planting bait around the city in the form of high profile _nen-_users.

Then he waited tenaciously…

XXX

Like the kid who hooks a ten pound bass the first time he goes fishing, Hisoka's target fell into his trap on the 14th day. He felt electrified when he spied a suave-looking, floppy-haired teenager in a slim black suit heading for the rendezvous point. How could such a young and elegant person be the _nen_ thief? It was insulting that such a powerful brat should be even younger than him, making him more determined than ever to defeat him.

Even though he held back his aura, for some reason, the deepset eyes instantly focused on him among all the patrons in the busy cafe. They sized him up calmly, in an impersonal calculating manner. Then his eyebrows raised in mockery and amusement, as if he discovered Hisoka was not even worth his attention. Hisoka felt stung by crimson fangs. For the first time in his life, he had the notion that he would enjoy murdering this powerful and beautiful person.

The kid leapt back into the crowded shopping arcade and escaped on the walls. Hisoka, roughly pushing bodies aside, plunged after him with animal obsession…he was feeling high, both intensely aggressive and extremely elated. _I'll definitely get you no matter what! And when I get my hands on you…_His thoughts rapidly turned violent, even shocking himself. Yet his cheeks were pulled taut by a permanent grin. He licked his lips, heat surging beneath his skin… Maybe at one point in his life he only intended to capture the _nen_-thief, but now he forgot everything. His senses were totally dulled by a tremendous tunnel-vision. He possessed only one goal: _Destroy the target!_

That was Hisoka's first taste of bloodlust. Although like everyone else, he once held a good job and worked hard to achieve productive goals…he realized his life had been completely aimless compared to this moment…of destruction.

You could say Hisoka had discovered his life purpose.

Life was never the same again. He gave up on a mainstream life and spent all his waking hours training to be the most dangerous fighter in the world. If you could call what he did "training"… … … However, because of his extreme dedication, the late-bloomer quickly caught up.

Hisoka was simply out of Kuroro's league…until 3 years later.

XXX

_3 years ago_

When he arrived home, there was no home. The sky was being slowly lit from the east, highlighting the thick black smoke drifting in the morning breeze. From a few blocks away, the commotion of frustrated residents and splattering water broke through the hum of early traffic. As he jogged towards the nearby park, he clearly saw the orange flames shooting out of the top floor of the building, where his apartment was located. Instead of panicking, Hisoka smirked. So the Genei Ryodan had closed in on their hunt…

He wasn't surprised to see a blue-haired girl with sharp seductive features step out from behind a tree and hold up one finger, exposing the glowing nen thread that she had pinned to his shirt. Throwing him a pretty sneer, she dashed towards the deserted warehouses beside the pier terminal, probably leading him into a trap, but Hisoka followed anyway. Whatever the admission price, he would pay it in full.

They stopped by the canal, in front of a glorious sunrise. A luminous halo climbed steadily from behind the hills, infusing the air with elaborate layers of blue, green, orange and pink. The rainbow hues reflected off the mirror-like surface of the water, and he noticed Machi casting translucent brown double shadows. The last thing he remembered were the dull grey windows of the housing projects shattering in a glittering mosaic of green and gold.

He had a splitting headache when he awoke a few hours later, tied and blindfolded, in a hollow space that smelled of concrete and sweet decaying leaves. Judging from the echo of dripping water, the room was vast.

Footsteps rushed about the room. It seemed that Kuroro had just returned with most of the Ryodan members. A blonde woman with equine features pulled off his blindfold and tugged him into sitting position. He was in a large warehouse. Rather than being held up by the spindly metal posts, the lofty space appeared magnetized by the pillars of light that streamed from a row of windows on the roof. Dust motes scattered from the golden pillars and bounced off the concrete floor. Kuroro sat on a piece of rubble, legs wide apart. His eyes were piercing and cold, with dark smudges under them. His face looked grim and bruised, as if he just arrived from a fight.

To Hisoka's left, a short man in a black raincoat had captured one of his allies. His associate appeared to have gone through some serious torture with a bag over his head and stain on his pants, though he was probably still alive. _Ouch._

Paku's polished nails bit into his shoulder.

"Do you know who Silva is?" Kuroro grilled in a low, intimidating tone.

"Silver? Surrre. I know a couple of Silvers…Joel Silver, Long John Silver…which one do you mean?" Hisoka drawled with no hint of fear, eyes travelling slowly up and down his target like leeches.

Paku looked at Kuroro with a slight shake of her head: They're not together.

"Fine. Okay. So! We've only been in this city for 3 days, and you've stalked us the whole time. What do you want?"

Finally, Hisoka's moment had come. "I've been following you, Kuroro," he smirked. "Because I want to join the Spiders."

Paku gave a thin laugh, which was drowned out by the uproar of the gang.

"What the hell!" " Who the heck does he think he is?!" "Creep!" "I don't trust him!" "Spy!"

Kuroro seemed unruffled by their protests. "Paku?" he asked calmly and politely.

"He's telling the truth. One out of three anyway. He also thinks you're cool and wants to fight you."

At this, Kuroro couldn't help but give a hearty laugh. A hulk of a bear-like human was thundering out some challenges at Hisoka but he couldn't be bothered to peel his appreciative eyes away from his treasured target. Kuroro was sizing him up again, this time in a more friendly manner, one elegant finger curling on his chin. "Have we met before…? But of course not. How could we have? I would have remembered", he murmured as if to himself. "I can tell at once you have as much killing experience as any of us, and like us, you're a powerful nen-user. But you're really very different. And I like that very much! You'll bring something new to the team."

"What do you say, guys? A life in exchange for a death?" There was more grumbling, but no protests. The gang seemed content to let Kuroro make all the executive decisions. Turning his steady gaze back to Hisoka, he explained "Spider number 4 has just been killed, so we have an opening. Welcome to the Spiders, Hisoka." He offered a handshake to seal the agreement.

A warning bell rang in his memory, but he could hardly reject a ritual gesture by the leader of the world's most fearsome gang without causing grievous insult to its members. Moreover, he was rather curious why his former boss explicitly warned him about the handshake…

As he grasped Kuroro's right hand in a firm grip and met Kuroro's eyes, Hisoka felt warm, solemn and mature, as if Kuroro's calm presence had traveled to him like an electric current. "I'm sorry about what we did to your home and your associate," Kuroro apologized, still holding his hand as if there was all the time in the world for just the two of them. "But this will be your new home and we are your new comrades….will you be able to forgive me for these sudden changes?" Kuroro asked, smiling.

"No need for forgiveness, Kuroro. Everything is happening at the right time." Hisoka said darkly, feeling somehow ashamed and awed at Kuroro's self-control.

XXX

_Today_

Hisoka didn't care about their clannish squabbles. He didn't give a s about any of them – what was he expecting? When it came down to it, they were all a bunch of petty punks. As a group, they were invincible, but dig a little deeper, and they were just like the corporate drones he once knew, content to settle down, accumulate treasures and indulge in office politics just to spice up their mundane existence.

Only Kuroro was different, forever orchestrating them to achieve riskier and riskier heists that even Hisoka could never have dreamt of at his pinnacle of megalomania. And their biggest accomplishment was yet to come…the outcasts from Ryuuseigai would exact their revenge on the 10 Godfathers, the old bastards who had condemned them to be freaks from birth.

That was fine and evil and audacious in itself- even poetic justice - but the pattern was getting tiresome. Hisoka had seen through Kuroro. So what's next? World domination? If he had wanted that, he would have stayed in his damned J.O.B. and reached it faster.

"It's all their fault!" Hisoka mocked in a high pitched voice. "The old bastards who called the shots and ruined everything!"

_Like he gave a rat's ass._ He viciously cut his favorite card into the concrete wall. The Ace of Spades, once lovingly reserved for the man of the reversed cross. This was the fixed star that had guided his long, dreamy nights. But at some point unknown to him, the constellations had changed, and the star slowly fell, leaving behind a sorrowful trail of glowing ashes. Before his desire completely faded, Hisoka would have to kill Kuroro.

XXX

A/N: Yes! That's it for backstories. No more flashbacks. Time for both Hisoka and Illumi to show their better selves in the _real _story. :P

I'd like to thank Mikari-Star, Orange-Maple and Ryu-son for the latest reviews. XDDD. Thanks for the fuel.

Negative reviews ( concrit ) are also welcome, although I'd need you to quote the sentences/paragraphs were the things get boring. I get numb to my writing so if you point out which areas could be improved I'll know where to hit the "delete" button on my next flixs. Thanx!

Orange-Maple: Yes it's Hiso/Illu fun coming up very soon. Hope you won't be disappointed. XP;;;

Oh yeah – and the title comes from Hisoka: Hardcore by Pulp. I saw on u-tube by Flashpoint CL. Just Awesome.


	5. Illumi's Backstory: Hypocrite Hunter

**Prologue: Hypocrite Hunter**

Disclaimer: Illumi, Zaoldyeck Family & Jairo belong to Togashi

_Neo Green Life Free State, soon after Illumi gets his Hunter's license_

_This is the land of hypocrites_, Illumi thought as he stared down at the narcotic fields hidden in the cracks between the towering limestone cliffs. The white flowers, fluttering in the rising wind, snaked like a snowy river towards the coast. Stormclouds grey as gunmetal rolled towards them, making the simple neo-life farmers run in and out of the lower level caves, scrambling about like anxious ants and covering their plants with protective material. They seemed oblivious to the drug production facility stashed away in the caves right above their heads. If they had only questioned why the highest levels of the cliffs were off limits to them, they would have seen, as Illumi was viewing from their leader's balcony, the "D" distribution plant and military barracks exposed along the coastline. _It's sickening how blind they are. _

"Bip, bip" A new message glowed on the screen of the Zaoldyeck transmitter.

"_You've got funds – accept/reject?" _ Illumi pressed "OK" to complete the transaction and nodded across the room. A tall lean man was standing beside the broken body of his former comrade. The target had a needle stuck in his forehead and a blood splattered suicide note on his desk.

His client was Jairo, the shadow don of NGL.

Jairo approached Illumi with a cruel smile. While his skin was corpse-white, his face was dark, shrouded by bristly black hair and a hoodie. His staring eyes were unnaturally bright and emitted one of the nastiest auras that Illumi had ever seen.

"I like the way you move, Illumi Zaoldyeck. You took care of him nice and tight."

"Yes, Mr Jairo." Illumi responded coldly. "If there is nothing else I can do for–"

"Yes, there is. I have a good feeling about you, Illumi. I would like you to take over the training of my army to replace the man you killed.

"I'm sorry, but I can't con-" Illumi replied tonelessly.

"No, I sense you're one of us." Jairo interrupted again. "You see, I wanted to meet someone who had been brought up as an assassin from birth, because I too, am training my soldiers from birth. It would be fitting if they could all turn out like you – especially with the same expression on your face."

"Training…from birth?" _What was Jairo planning to do with such an army?_

"Yes. Would you like to take a tour of our camp?"

"I'm not qualified to advise you on military affairs", Illumi lied. He was starting to feel very mistrustful of Jairo and just wanted to get home safely. If it was another client, Illumi might have agreed to the up-sell, but this time it just felt wrong.

"Not at all. I insist. After your tour, you will be escorted to the distribution center where your speedboat is waiting for you." Jairo stated in an authoritarian manner.

"I really prefer not to." Illumi protested again, and he could sense soldiers gathering behind the doors.

"Don't disappoint us, we're all waiting for you. The camp is just along the way. It will only take an hour."

Illumi sighed, a mildly sour look on his face reminiscent of his grandfather. People with no concept of _nen _really couldn't appreciate how deadly it was to threaten a Zaoldyeck. Fortunately for Jairo, Illumi only killed if it made sense, and in this case, since NGL was located on an isolated continent, his real enemy was the sea. Getting out safely was his priority. He squeezed the emergency button on the Zaoldyeck transmitter that would alert Father to pick him up ASAP. Now the path of least resistance was to accommodate the client, buy time and then blacklist him later.

"You leave me no choice, Mr Jairo. I normally charge for my time, but since I may not be able to provide any advice, I won't charge and I'll only stay one hour. Do you still want me to do this?"

"You might find it educational. Like I said, we're the same."

Illumi made a tour of Jairo's training camp. It was as dehumanizing as a concentration camp copied from the previous century. Only communal halls existed with no private rooms for anyone. Children were forced through brutal physical training and spent the rest of the time making bricks to build more factories. Every moment of their time, including eating and using the toilet, was regulated by older soldiers who violently punished anyone who disobeyed. The camp looked perfectly ordered and well-run, and all the inhabitants had developed soulless, cruel eyes with unnatural auras.

All this was inspired by his own childhood, Jairo revealed with glee. Illumi realized that Jairo was a damaged man obsessed with taking revenge on the world for whatever happened when he was young and helpless. He proudly showed off his "nursery". A factory space filled with babies crying in cots.

"Don't you have anyone to take care of them?" Illumi finally asked, breaking his stoic silence.

"Of course we have nurses. But they have been ordered not to respond to their cries. I believe that babies have to experience pain right from the start so that they will grow up strong. We need strong, heartless predators for our army."

Illumi didn't know why, but he almost murdered Jairo at that instant. The nursery had triggered some very dark memories within him. "Mr Jairo, I have to leave now", he said, almost unable to maintain his expressionless mask any longer. "I think you will be able to find other people to serve you in the future."

"Are you suggesting I'm not worthy to be your client?" Jairo roared in anger. "Don't forget who you are, assassin! You're just a whore in my territory! Kill him!!" Soldiers rushed at Illumi, leaving him with no choice but to clean out the place. He concealed himself and released a cloud of needles into a section of the army. The men turned and fired their automatic rifles into the adjacent section, forcing them to return fire. "ARRGHH!!" the comrades screamed in panic as they killed one another, "HELP!!"

Once you know how to kill one man, killing ten men, a hundred men, a thousand men, even a million men… is only a matter of multiplying the same process and watching "0"s add up. Soon, he stole one of the larger boats and escaped. But at that moment, the heavens opened and the sea rose up.

Somehow he didn't drown. He didn't die. But he could no longer carry on as the hypocrite hunter. When dawn broke, he was in a prison cell being tortured by Jairo for another fourteen hours before Silva rescued him.

XXX

_Illumi's diary, a week later_

I'm an assassin, not a revolutionary. I'm a craftsman, not an artist. I get paid for results, not creativity.

I was born for this. Work isn't supposed to change me.

But after my visit to Neo-life, I wonder if I have betrayed all that I say I am. Am I really the opposite: Just a blind, intolerant fanatic? I don't like questioning my place in life. I'm satisfied simply to hone my skills from dawn til dusk and living at one with nature. But like the misguided farmers of NGL, have I really been cultivating an army of evil?

Jairo made me think. The way I've trained my brothers is…very similar to the way he's trained his soldiers. And that's what they do in the dictatorship of East Goruto and the rest of the Mitene province, too. I'm no idealistic revolutionary, but I had grown up trying to be strong so that I could protect my family from power-obsessed assholes like that. That's why we had to be rich and powerful. We have to be strong to protect ourselves from the evil and chaos in the world. But maybe…I _am_ the evil.

We couldn't find Jairo that day. The camp was in utter chaos, but I could already see the stronger of the children seize command to replace the sergeants. Soon the place would degenerate into a war zone. I had a strong urge to take control of them and discipline them like how I taught my brothers. But the Zaoldyeck assassins have a policy of non-interference…so I held back. But I couldn't resist doing one thing for myself. I tried to burn the "D" fields. For all of 2 seconds before the orange sparks fizzled out under the dark bullets of rain.

Anyways…so I got tortured last week, but why should it matter to me? If I can dish it out, I can take it in. I see the blazing eyes of Jairo leering at me as I kneel on the limestone floor, tied up. Lined up on a table were items like drills, scalpels, blowtorch, whips and wires that anyone could get from Hardware Depot.

"_You're a mindless tool of darkness, Illumi"._

"_No, I'm not."_

Yeah, I know. The script sounds familiar, doesn't it? But Jairo didn't get it right, obviously. Like a thousand times before, I zoned out into my mental stronghold once the torture started. I become as light as the air. I see myself become the six-sided Zaoldyeck star, made of two perfectly interlocking triangles of fire and ice. The first triangle made of Fire rises, like Kukuru Mountain emerging above the forested valley. The second, inverted triangle made of Ice sinks, and that's me, holding down the fort, working from the underground, immovable and unchangeable. Me, perfectly interlocked with my family forever, protecting and protected.

I see myself walking down the corridor with a silver-haired boy in tow, going to our training room…

"_Are you ready, Killu?" _

"_Are you kidding me, Aniki?"_ comes the insolent childish reply.

Ah, Killua. I love that boy. I can feel my muscles respond to the depth of commitment in his deep, dark eyes. He has the gift of inspiring me. I'm like a musician who practices everyday, technically flawless, but who would want to listen to music from a machine…? Even I wouldn't. That's the difference between Killua and I. His music makes me feel warm and alive.

"It's a waste to be torturing you, Illumi. You should be training my men," I heard Jairo's voice scraping across my back like a rusty razor. I could his breathing close to me. How did he wake me up?

"Your child soldiers, you mean."

"Weren't you one too? Don't act superior. I know how you train your family. You're one of us, spreading evil."

_Don't listen to him, he's just guessing, cold._ But at that moment, I couldn't help recalling how I controlled my brothers with violence…

"Get up, Milluki" I remember clutching Milluki's collar with both hands and kneeing him in the guts when he was six and I was eleven, already an assassin. I wanted him to grow up faster so he could spar with me. Was that why he started to reject physical exertion…?

"Shut up and bear it, Kalluto" I whispered in my softest voice as I tortured the helpless child. Now, he's on the other side of the fence, torturing whatever he can get his hands on. Just yesterday, as I struggled to the bathroom, trying to bathe myself, I stumbled across the mutiliated body of a small animal. Is Kalluto so addicted to bloodlust or is he trying to show me something?

Not to mention Alluka, who had loved me the best, and who bore the brunt of my unintentional cruelty without complaint, valiantly keeping his faith in me …?

It doesn't show on my face, of course. Despite anything that I think or do, my mask remains perfect. I'm not trying to pretend that no problem exists…but I just don't know what else to do.

Like I said, I'm an assassin, not a revolutionary.

Maybe that's why I was wierded out by Father visiting my bedside and sending me _nen._ He's never done that before, not even when I was a kid and he was the one writing the history of violence on my body. That probably explains why I always feel tense around my elders…like I'm a kid about to be punished. I've learnt to keep my distance.

Father's "healing" touch tears me apart. At that feverish moment, I hate him so much I almost confront him. But out of fear and habit, I keep my mouth shut. I'm an adult, I don't need his solicitude and I don't want it. I wished he could just leave me alone, give me some privacy…Any more questions and he might wake the sleeping beast.

So I stayed silent, Father took the hint and left. Then I had to tolerate Mother's intrusive hysterics. I know she cares, but I find her annoying. "Oh, what happened to your skin?!" she screeched. "Silva's so cruel!" _Don't drag me into your quarrels with Father, I've wised up to your manipulation._ Kalluto was snooping around, too. I know he's so desperate for my approval but the more he asks the less I'll give. I'll keep pretending to be asleep to avoid entertaining them.

I was happier to see Milluki drop by -- I never see that _otaku,_ though I've paired up with him for a couple of missions before. I was shocked to hear him wheezing …someone needs to bring that guy out for a jog or he'll die a premature death.

"Is Jairo powerful?" he asked me.

"No. He can't even use _nen_."

"So how come you look like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like…the snakeskin you find on the forest floor without the snake inside."

"Huh?" _ Do I look as soulless as I feel?_

"Well, you're really thin and you look like a corpse with bloody, cracking skin.

_Oh…that can be easily fixed._ "You hungry, Milluki?

"Always."

"So do you wanna grab a bite to eat with me?"

"Like make something in the kitchen?"

"Yeah…"

"Hah. I'll pass. You're not a bad cook, but the last time you made something for me…"

_I had put in some poison_. "Sorry", I confessed.

"WHAT? EXCUSE ME?" Milluki looked incredulous, as if a snake had apologized for biting.

"I said I'm sorry, Milluki."

"Um…_oookaay_, Illumi. Don't let me interrupt your rest, I'll see you tomorrow." Milluki hurriedly made up an excuse and left, looking scared. He probably returned to eat the packets of junk food in his room…and what an overwhelming room that was, crammed with _hentai _dolls and anime porn dvds.

All perhaps… because of …the violence I've beat into his soul for many, many years? Perhaps just partly?

I am overcome by remorse. If I'm a snake shedding my skin, then please let me take it all off and fix everything and make it perfect again. Please let me heal the wrong I've done to my family. For without them, what am I?

I don't think it has to be taught. Killua wasn't taught by anyone, he just followed his heart and his path led to the light. I too, followed my heart but into darkness. But maybe it's not too late to change. I believe…no, I hope. I hope I can be a better man.

But what should I do? Give me a clue, please. I admit I was wrong. I want to change….but what?

_To be continued in Chapter 1: _**Henka (Change)**

XXX

A/N:

I wanted to write a fic where Illumi's pride is cracked. I'm not sure how convincing it's been so far…Anyways, I'm setting up Illumi's cold and distant relationship with his family in this chap so it'll reveal the change he goes thru latter.

Next 3 chapters, called _Henka,_ _Hentai_ and _Hope _will be from Hisoka's POV. They're still in draft stage.

I'd like to thank MonsterBrat for her comments on my last fic. I'm a fan of your work and appreciate your review!:)


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